Showing posts with label how to. Show all posts
Showing posts with label how to. Show all posts

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

How To Write A Haiku Poem

Moleskine is a notebook company, if I'm not mistaken.

So it's been a while since I've published a 'how-to' post out here, so I'm going to do just that.

A few days ago, I was browsing through a poetry website, and these beautiful haikus caught my attention:



Blowing from the west
Fallen leaves gather
In the east.
- Buson

I kill an ant
and realize my three children
have been watching.
- Kato Shuson

Cool air--
the evening mountain
becomes itself.
 - Issa

(Issa was actually a very prolific haiku poet, and one of the most famous.  Many haiku poets draw inspiration from his haikus.)
Haikus are normally used to represent natural phenomena and happenings, but they can also be used to describe certain mundane or everyday situations.  For example:

Tired cat sleeps all night.
He needs lots of rest for a
Long day of napping.
 - Kenn Nesbitt

This was just to give you an example of how haiku poems are generally written.  Haikus are mostly easy to write, but capturing a whole scene in three lines, conforming to a set standard of syllable counts in each line, can sometimes be more difficult than most poets think (at first glance).
Anyway, here is how I write all my haiku poems (although I haven't written many):
Step One: Decide What You Want to Write.
This is often the easiest step in the process of writing a haiku.  You could write about flowers blooming in spring, leaves falling in autumn, the sun melting a snowman, snow on the sidewalk, a full moon, anything!  Haikus are very diverse in that respect.

Step Two: Condense It.
Decide what exactly you want to depict in your poem.  Describe what you want to write about in four or five lines.
What will the haiku sound like?  Will be happy, or sad?  Will the ending be unprecedented, or predictable?  You choose.

Step Three: Give It Structure.
So now that you've decided what to write in your haiku, you have to structure your idea according to the 'rules' for a haiku.
The first line usually contains five syllables, the second line has seven, and the third line has five again, sorta like this:


My homework is late.
My dog ate it this morning.
I sure like my dog.
 - Kenn Nesbitt
(You have to admit that's funny!)

There!  You have a haiku poem!  
The syllable count isn't always five-seven-five, I've seen haikus (mostly Issa's) that have only two syllables in the first line, six in the second, and three in the third. 

Here are some I wrote:

An apple cries out
In pain, in grief, slices, tortured--
No stains on the knife.
 - Vruta Gupte.
(Poor apple.)

Silence at sunrise
No birds cooing softly;
Concrete everywhere.

 - Vruta Gupte.

Feel free to write some of your own haikus in the comment section below!  (Click on the timestamp or on the post title.  Disqus comments are enabled.) 

Monday, 7 April 2014

How To Write A Homework Excuses Poem

The post I wrote before this was about how to write a gross food poem, but then I realized most of us don't need gross food poems as much as we need homework poems!

We're always looking for a few excuses taking a snooze on a hammock so that we can pour chloroform into their noses and hoist them onto our shoulders and show them off to everybody.  Popular ones include 'My Dog Ate My Homework', 'My Pen Ran Out of Ink And All The Malls Were Closed', 'I Flushed It Down The Toilet By Accident On Purpose'....if I've missed anyone out, I'm extremely sorry, but life's like that.  Boom.  

I figure I'm writing a blog post after too many days.

Anyway...

Step One: Get A Beat.

You gotta get a beat!

A beat that's really neat!
You gotta dance from your head to the toes on your feet!
You gotta get a beat!
Oh no, you cannot cheat!
If you write a poem with a beat, it'll be a feat!
Get a beat!

Step Two: Think Of All The Excuses.

Think of all the excuses

You used to make in school
When your teacher asked for homework--
You would feel like a fool.

You would trip over your laces
And make random funny faces
You would sharpen all your pencils
And you'd break all of your stencils

You would pray she'd forget
Or you'd think of a threat--
"If you don't gimme an A on this,
I'll kidnap your pet."

Oh, the excuses (excuses!)
All those wishes (the wishes!)
I remember all the excuses
That I used to make in school.

(This is more of a rap poem, I guess.)

Step Three: Exaggerate.

I was so tired

I slept like a log
I couldn't see my homework
Through the thick fog.
I had to go backpacking
From Delhi to Nevada
And I couldn't go to sleep
Without eating my piccata.

That sorta thing.

Step Four: Rhyme the thing.

You gotta rhyme the thing!

You gotta make it sing!
You gotta give it some quirk!
You gotta....do..your....homework.


So there, I showed you how to write
A homework poem
And most of my excuses, I'll say
That I stole 'em
Because today...
My homework was to write a homework poem!

When you write a good poem, remember not to boast
'Cause if you do, someone could turn you into toast
(Or worse, chicken roast)
Now see you on the next post!



Want to read some of my other poems?  Click here!



P.S. I've added Disqus comments on here.  Please click on the time-stamp near the end of the post to comment.  (If you don't have a Disqus account, you can still comment as a guest with a custom name.) Thank you!

Saturday, 29 March 2014

How To Write A Gross Food Poem In Less Than Twenty Minutes

A lot of my friends have asked me: "How do you do it?  How do you write funny poems that make us spew jelly all over our computer screens when we're reading any of your funny poems?"  Well, maybe not that second question, but, yeah, I guess the first question means the same thing. 

So in this post I am going to show you how to write a gross food poem in less than twenty minutes!  Because this is what life is supposed to be like--fast!  Mind-blowing!  Exhausting!  Draining!  Buzzing!  Annoying!  


And that's why you need to know how to write a gross food poem in less than twenty minutes!


Nah, I'm kidding.



Anyway...back to business!  

What You Need To Do To Write A Gross Food Poem


Step One: Listicle-ify it! (Four minutes)


Make a list of the grossest and most stomach-churning food items you can possibly think of.  Google "disturbing food dishes" or "fried tarantula dishes" or...well, you get the picture.  

Or you can make your own, like I did.  It's fun!  Don't do this while you're eating, of course, because the consequences....will be severe.

One thing I've noticed about my own gross food poems is, somehow, all of them contain some form of dead tarantula.  Blech!  What about you?

Step Two: Drum it!   (Four minutes)

Get a beat!  D'you want to make it a limerick poem?  A cinquain? A series of haikus?  (That's pretty interesting, actually.  I doubt anyone has ever tried to write a gross-food-haiku-poem.)

Tarantula fried
In whipped cream and marshmallows--
Ew, that's just so gross.


For example, if you're writing a limerick poem, your beat will go like this--

Da DUM da da DUM da da DUM
Da DUM da da DUM da da DUM
Da DUM da da DUM
Da DUM da da DUM
Da DUM da da DUM da da DUM

(Writing a Limerick's absurd,
Line one and line five rhyme in word,
And just as you've reckoned
They rhyme with the second;
The fourth line must rhyme with the third.) 
Sourcehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerick_(poetry)
  
Step Three: Rhyme it!  (Ten minutes)

Now that you've got your gross and possibly exotic dishes--and a rhyme scheme and a beat for your poem--you start rhyming!  (Yippee!)

You can get online rhyming dictionaries like RhymeZone and Rhymes.Net, but try not to use these too often either.  Rhyming dictionaries are also available on Amazon.

Step Four: Save it!  (One minute--if your computer's extra-slow, that is.)

What good is it if you forget to save your poem?!  There's no telling what today's technology might do if you force your computer to sleep.  It might become your nemesis.  (Adopts Voldemort-like whisper)  Bewaaare of the Eenformation Age...

'Nuff said.

Here's one of my own gross food poems--hope you like it!  (The poem, I mean, not the...food items.  That would be gross.  No pressure, though; each to his own.)



WELCOME TO GROSS FOODS  (Yes, what an imaginative title that was.)


For breakfast we have apple cider,
And all things that make tummies wider!
Of our esteemed French toast
I’m permitted to boast—
It feels like you’ve eaten a spider.

For lunch you’ll get baked angelfishes,
We deal with the ghastliest wishes—
We’ll give you rats’ stew
And grilled rabbit’s poo—
And a medley of such loathsome dishes.

We’ll give you a bat with its toenails
And chocolate ice cream with some blue whales—
Your stomach will burst
You’ve no time for thirst
We hope you liked all of our cocktails.

Come again soon to have a great dinner—
Sushi rolls will make you look thinner
We hope you drop by
(We’ll make sure you cry)
You’ll make our hotel such a winner!           


- Vruta Gupte.

Thank you for reading this, and see you next time!  

D'you want to look at some flowers till then? *smiles sheepishly*



P.S. I've added Disqus comments on here.  Please click on the time-stamp near the end of the post to comment.  (If you don't have a Disqus account, you can still comment as a guest with a custom name.) Thank you!


Tuesday, 18 March 2014

How Not To Make Vegetable Soup

So I was wondering how to start out here...and this hit me.  Bad, bad veggies!

VEGETABLE SOUP

Vegetable soup!
Oh, the despicable soup!
The formidable, throwable, undrinkable goop!

It’s garbage!
An outrage!
A diet gone wrong!
(But I admit that my stomach has become somewhat strong.)

It’s got beetroot, and carrot, and rocks with salt;
It’s got grapefruit and celery, shoe polish and malt!

Unhealthy!
A folly!
A delirious looting scheme!
(I think it’ll be delicious if they just add some cream.)

It’s got potatoes, tomatoes, and lava volcanoes!
Got turnips and spinach and half-baked mosquitoes!

It’s gross!
Adios,
I’ll never eat it again!
(Though I doubt my stance is supported by all men.)

If ever I look in a recipe book,
There’s this one thing I’ll never cook—
Vegetable soup!
Ah, the despicable soup!
The formidable, throwable, undrinkable goop!


Note to readers: Don't try this at home.  Please.  But if you do, give me some credit.  (I'm kidding.  Don't call 911.)  Thank you.





P.S. I've added Disqus comments on here.  Please click on the time-stamp near the end of the post to comment.  (If you don't have a Disqus account, you can still comment as a guest with a custom name.) Thank you!

~ migration.

Dear Reader, (If anyone has happened to chance upon this rather not-so-very-secret diary of mine) it is my simultaneous pleasure and occa...