How To Write A Homework Excuses Poem

The post I wrote before this was about how to write a gross food poem, but then I realized most of us don't need gross food poems as much as we need homework poems!

We're always looking for a few excuses taking a snooze on a hammock so that we can pour chloroform into their noses and hoist them onto our shoulders and show them off to everybody.  Popular ones include 'My Dog Ate My Homework', 'My Pen Ran Out of Ink And All The Malls Were Closed', 'I Flushed It Down The Toilet By Accident On Purpose'....if I've missed anyone out, I'm extremely sorry, but life's like that.  Boom.  

I figure I'm writing a blog post after too many days.

Anyway...

Step One: Get A Beat.

You gotta get a beat!
A beat that's really neat!
You gotta dance from your head to the toes on your feet!
You gotta get a beat!
Oh no, you cannot cheat!
If you write a poem with a beat, it'll be a feat!
Get a beat!

Step Two: Think Of All The Excuses.

Think of all the excuses
You used to make in school
When your teacher asked for homework--
You would feel like a fool.

You would trip over your laces
And make random funny faces
You would sharpen all your pencils
And you'd break all of your stencils

You would pray she'd forget
Or you'd think of a threat--
"If you don't gimme an A on this,
I'll kidnap your pet."

Oh, the excuses (excuses!)
All those wishes (the wishes!)
I remember all the excuses
That I used to make in school.

(This is more of a rap poem, I guess.)

Step Three: Exaggerate.

I was so tired
I slept like a log
I couldn't see my homework
Through the thick fog.
I had to go backpacking
From Delhi to Nevada
And I couldn't go to sleep
Without eating my piccata.

That sorta thing.

Step Four: Rhyme the thing.

You gotta rhyme the thing!
You gotta make it sing!
You gotta give it some quirk!
You gotta....do..your....homework.


So there, I showed you how to write
A homework poem
And most of my excuses, I'll say
That I stole 'em
Because today...
My homework was to write a homework poem!

When you write a good poem, remember not to boast
'Cause if you do, someone could turn you into toast
(Or worse, chicken roast)
Now see you on the next post!



Want to read some of my other poems?  Click here!

P.S. I've added Disqus comments on here.  Please click on the time-stamp near the end of the post to comment.  (If you don't have a Disqus account, you can still comment as a guest with a custom name.) Thank you!

How To Write A Gross Food Poem In Less Than Twenty Minutes

A lot of my friends have asked me: "How do you do it?  How do you write funny poems that make us spew jelly all over our computer screens when we're reading any of your funny poems?"  Well, maybe not that second question, but, yeah, I guess the first question means the same thing. 

So in this post I am going to show you how to write a gross food poem in less than twenty minutes!  Because this is what life is supposed to be like--fast!  Mind-blowing!  Exhausting!  Draining!  Buzzing!  Annoying!  

And that's why you need to know how to write a gross food poem in less than twenty minutes!

Nah, I'm kidding.


Anyway...back to business!  

What You Need To Do To Write A Gross Food Poem

Step One: Listicle-ify it! (Four minutes)

Make a list of the grossest and most stomach-churning food items you can possibly think of.  Google "disturbing food dishes" or "fried tarantula dishes" or...well, you get the picture.  

Or you can make your own, like I did.  It's fun!  Don't do this while you're eating, of course, because the consequences....will be severe.

One thing I've noticed about my own gross food poems is, somehow, all of them contain some form of dead tarantula.  Blech!  What about you?

Step Two: Drum it!   (Four minutes)

Get a beat!  D'you want to make it a limerick poem?  A cinquain? A series of haikus?  (That's pretty interesting, actually.  I doubt anyone has ever tried to write a gross-food-haiku-poem.)

Tarantula fried
In whipped cream and marshmallows--
Ew, that's just so gross.


For example, if you're writing a limerick poem, your beat will go like this--

Da DUM da da DUM da da DUM
Da DUM da da DUM da da DUM
Da DUM da da DUM
Da DUM da da DUM
Da DUM da da DUM da da DUM

(Writing a Limerick's absurd,
Line one and line five rhyme in word,
And just as you've reckoned
They rhyme with the second;
The fourth line must rhyme with the third.) 
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerick_(poetry)
  
Step Three: Rhyme it!  (Ten minutes)

Now that you've got your gross and possibly exotic dishes--and a rhyme scheme and a beat for your poem--you start rhyming!  (Yippee!)

You can get online rhyming dictionaries like RhymeZone and Rhymes.Net, but try not to use these too often either.  Rhyming dictionaries are also available on Amazon.

Step Four: Save it!  (One minute--if your computer's extra-slow, that is.)

What good is it if you forget to save your poem?!  There's no telling what today's technology might do if you force your computer to sleep.  It might become your nemesis.  (Adopts Voldemort-like whisper)  Bewaaare of the Eenformation Age...

'Nuff said.

Here's one of my own gross food poems--hope you like it!  (The poem, I mean, not the...food items.  That would be gross.  No pressure, though; each to his own.)



WELCOME TO GROSS FOODS  (Yes, what an imaginative title that was.)

For breakfast we have apple cider,

And all things that make tummies wider!

Of our esteemed French toast

I’m permitted to boast—

It feels like you’ve eaten a spider.

For lunch you’ll get baked angelfishes,

We deal with the ghastliest wishes—

We’ll give you rats’ stew

And grilled rabbit’s poo—

And a medley of such loathsome dishes.

We’ll give you a bat with its toenails

And chocolate ice cream with some blue whales—

Your stomach will burst

You’ve no time for thirst

We hope you liked all of our cocktails.

Come again soon to have a great dinner—

Sushi rolls will make you look thinner

We hope you drop by

(We’ll make sure you cry)

You’ll make our hotel such a winner!           

- Vruta Gupte.

Thank you for reading this, and see you next time!  

D'you want to look at some flowers till then? *smiles sheepishly*

P.S. I've added Disqus comments on here.  Please click on the time-stamp near the end of the post to comment.  (If you don't have a Disqus account, you can still comment as a guest with a custom name.) Thank you!

Homework Excuses: Part Two

This is Part Two of the Homework Excuses series.  To view Part One, click here!

I DIDN'T DO MY HOMEWORK

I didn't do my homework--
I just thought you should know.
I cannot tell my teacher
I've forgotten it, y'know.

I had a soup of numbers
And squiggles inside my head
So I couldn't do my homework
I went to the park instead.

My history book got lost
My homework got delayed.
So I travelled to the past
And wrote about the next decade.

My books flew away--
They sprouted wings, you see.
And then they all straightened up
And spit some ink on me.

Yikes!  Oh, no, the teacher's coming!
What am I going to do?
Should I just go and tell her
The excuses I've told you?

~Vruta Gupte.

Note:  This may be used to improve your teacher's mood in the unlikely event of you not doing your homework.  Yes?

Thank you for reading, and see you on the next post!

P.S. I've added Disqus comments on here.  Please click on the time-stamp near the end of the post to comment.  (If you don't have a Disqus account, you can still comment as a guest with a custom name.) Thank you!

Homework Excuses: Part One

Note to Reader:  These excuses may be used in school....for a small fee: no names, please!

HOMEWORK SOUP

I didn’t have anything to do this evening,

Besides my homework vile.

So I rounded up all my books and

Made them stand in single file.

I made them march past the pen stand blue

And dip themselves in ink.

Then I poured them into a cauldron

And stirred till their pages were pink.

I heated them up until they were burnt brown,

Then I dried them in the sun.

So the next time my teacher asks for them,

I’ll say, “Oh, my homework’s well done.”

- Vruta Gupte.

(No books were harmed during the production and imagination of this poem.  Thank you.)

P.S. I've added Disqus comments on here.  Please click on the time-stamp near the end of the post to comment.  (If you don't have a Disqus account, you can still comment as a guest with a custom name.) Thank you!